Totes Rando

When I was in 8th grade, I grew my hair out. I did this because I was awesome and because it would make my beginner level guitar playing seem more like beginner/intermediate level guitar playing. I later found out that while I was doing this, my father had been secretly hoping that I would fashion it into a Steven Seagal-style folded-under ponytail. I thought that was ridiculous, but then realized it was because I regularly wore moccasins and derived pleasure from crushing fists.

This seemingly random memory came flooding back as I was huffing gasoline off a model’s tits at the Standard Downtown. But, as that particular act tends to do for me, my powers of associative thinking were magnified and I realized one thing: Chuck Norris is a fucking pussy. Now, I’m well aware that the relevance of the Chuck Norris “facts” disappeared long before Mike Huckabee’s candidacy did, but bear with me. That list never should have happened, like the Oreo Big Stuf or the cancellation of My So Called Life (SO unfair one love JL).

Anyway, consider the following: Steven Seagal has singlehandedly taken down Big Oil, the Mafia, and terrorism. He’s dismantled a corrupt police unit AND a corrupt prison system. Even though he’s had to give up his badge/gun/headdress in the process, he’s always on the side of justice. Chuck Norris, on the other hand, will always be remembered as a syndicated TV cowboy who peddled deodorant.

So since you didn’t ask for it, prepare to be lit-raped by Act I of my treatment for Steven Seagal’s “Punches with Wolves.”

The year is 1803. Steven Seagal is a peaceful man living in not-so-peaceful times. A white man abandoned by his parents, he was raised by the Intut-chuk tribe as one of their own. This causes conflict within Steven Seagal, as he identifies spiritually with the tribe but never feels like one of them. Then one day, as he’s meditating on the edge of a cliff at dawn, he sees a wagon train led by Larry the Cable Guy speeding towards his tribe’s teepee village. He tries to send a smoke signal but it’s too late. Larry the Cable Guy had gitted-r-done all over the place by the time he returns. Men are killed, tents are burning, children are crying. All that’s left intact is Steven’s pet wolf, clutching a bloody utility belt in his jaw.* Larry T. Cable Guy had gotten away, but not before ol’ Wolfie (that’s the wolf’s name) got a piece of him. All in one moment Steven Seagal realizes that these are his people, and he must defend them. With the fire and wolf and bloody utility belt reflecting in his eyes, he mutters, “Looks like it’s time to disconnect the Cable.” He jumps on the wolf’s back** and tears ass down the trail left by LTCG’s wagons.
END ACT I

*I might have forgotten to tell you that Larry the Cable Guy time traveled from the future to “get rid of the ragheads before they become a real problem.” I think he’s misinformed, but I only wrote the treatment, I didn’t invent Larry the Cable Guy.

**In 1803, it was both perfectly legal and commonplace for a man to ride his wolf.