Totes Rando

Dear Ms. Courtney Love,

I’m writing in regards to your craigslist posting for a personal assistant.

I, for one, can barely imagine the kind of stresses that come with being such a famous musician (not to mention socialite, fashionista, and cultural icon). I mean, the fan mail alone! I can guess from the late hour of your 3am posting that there’s probably a need to immediately fill the position, so let me give you my qualifications.

My name is Kendra, I’m 22, and have just moved to Los Angeles from upstate New York. I graduated magna cum laude with a BA in Communications and a concentration in Music Business from Cornell University (Go Red!). I really feel a position with you can give me the entrée to the “Biz” I’m looking for!

Now I know what you’re thinking, “oh boy, listen to this kid!”, but hear me out:

1. I’ll remind you of important appointments and appearances!
2. I’m detail oriented! I live to color-code! I’m a whiz with Microsoft Excel and Access, and can help manage everything from your tour dates to your wardrobe, right down to the very last scarf! You can rest assured that if the court ever allows you a visitation with your daughter Frances, I’ll scour every cute lil’ inch of her afterwards to cover up any cigarette burns with foundation!
3. If I’m not five minutes early….I’m TEN minutes early!
4. I’ve got the intangibles! I understand the personal nature of this position, and I also understand that sometimes us ladies can get a little emotional. I’m good with reading people’s moods, and will know what you need! Sometimes you just need a good laugh, sometimes you just need a good hug, sometimes you just need to jab your tear ducts with needles until you’re literally crying blood and then smother several puppies I bought for you that day with one of Kurt’s old flannels.
5. Did I mention I’ll remind you of things? Just kidding! Get it?
6. I’m a tough cookie! No pushover here! Annoying telemarketers beware! “kooky-crazy” fans back off! I was president of my debate team junior year. If the heroin dealer’s gonna walk unless he can hold a gun to your head while you blow him, I’ll talk him into taking out the clip AND the bullet in the chamber. I’ll bet I even snag a reservation at a few “overbooked” restaurants that might surprise you!

And on a more serious note Ms. Love, I want to assure you about one specific point: I am NOT a thieving fucking vampire cunt. You know, it really struck me that you added that requirement in your ad, as my senior thesis was “Motivation and Perceived Relatedness: Gender, Economy and Attitudes; a Cultural Comparison”, focusing mainly on extrinsic motivation identification, so I think you can imagine where I stand on the issue of thieving fucking vampire cunts!

In summation, while I hope a position with you could springboard me into a career as a music license administrator, I’m just as interested in the experience of working side-by-side with a real professional sister who’s “doin’ it for herself”!

I’m willing to amend my virginity pledge if certain non-negotiable criteria regarding number of participants, anonymity, and safety-words are met.

Thanks for your time and thoughtful consideration,

Kendra Rosenthal