Dear Garden Party
Dear Garden Party,
I heard that you guys are offering $250 for an outrageous “Hollywood” story, is that true? If so, I’ve got one that’s really going to top the charts…
I moved to Hollywood from Ohio about three months after graduating high school. I was the wide receiver on our High School’s football team (we were first in our division three years in a row, some may say thanks in part to a couple plays I made). I was on top of the world - great friends, supportive parents, a job opportunity at Wellis & Jacobs Real Estate and last but not least my beautiful girlfriend Cindy. I dropped them all because a stranger once told me I looked like a young Harrison Ford.
My High School Graduation Pic
I had heard that Los Angeles could be an unforgiving place, so I was extra-mindful of suspicious characters when I first got to town. Living in a 150 square foot studio and bar-backing at the Saddle Ranch wasn’t exactly how I saw my life in California, but it opened up my days to audition for every part that would have me. And audition I did - I would have all my lines memorized and would be there 15 minutes early in case there was the classic “no show” before me, giving me some extra time to canoodle with the producers and directors. Sometimes they would even offer me water (bottled!).
One day while checking my ActorsAccess.com account I got a phone call from someone in Jeffrey Liongold’s office. Everyone knew his name at the Saddle Ranch. They were always saying that he was “a top player” and liked to “stick his fingers in your mouth”, so I knew I had hit it big when his assistant’s assistant called me and told me Jeffrey wanted a private audition with me for a cutting edge new Indie film he was working on.
When I got to the office they offered me some grape juice that had the slightest hint of paint. As I waited for Mr. Liongold my head started to feel numb, like when me and the boys used to climb the ol’ water tower and drink Miller Lites 200 feet above the ground. I told the receptionist (who looked like a woman but had a 5 o’clock shadow) and she led me into Mr. Liongold’s office to lay down on a leather chaise and wait for the “big man” to arrive.
J. Liongold Publicity Photo (Getty Images)
When I woke up I was in a circular room with a gilded ceiling and a crystal chandelier. I looked down towards my feet and nearly jumped out of my skin at what I saw: Tobey Maguire had his mouth wrapped around my penis. He was wearing red and white war paint, so I didn’t recognize him at first. When I tried to get up I discovered that my hands and my feet were shackled. A light laughter echoed through the room, which is when I realized that were other people (many people) standing around us. It was a plethora of Hollywood’s “A-list”, all wearing black robes and chanting some Pagan song.
After Tobey finished me off he immediately regurgitated my semen unto my chest, then started crying and ran from the room. Harvey Weinstein grabbed my feet shackles and hung me upside-down from a conveyor belt that brought me into the next room. Along the way all the A-list celebrities spit on me while rubbing their genitals. In the next room they had a team of make-up and wardrobe artists dress me so I would look indistinguishably like Daniel Day Lewis. I then was forced to walk around the room and beg forgiveness from everyone, which was to continue until each individual extended a hand for me to kiss. When I tried to kiss Brad Pitt’s hand he kept pulling it back and slapping me across the face, eventually offering me his foot to kiss instead.
After being hosed down in a locker room shower with some kind of sanitizer, I was dressed and thrown into the back of a limo. Feeling like a cow that had barely survived the meat packing plant, I was tossed out of the moving vehicle somewhere on the Sunset Strip. As I lay prostrate on the ground I saw two red eyes peering from a dark alley. Before I could stand Tom Cruise sprang from the shadows and tore the seat off my pants with his fangs. After he busted a load in my ass he flew into the night like a winged bat, never to be seen again.
When I called in sick at the Saddle Ranch the next day they fired me. Hopefully this story will earn me the $250, which would pay for 1/4 of next month’s rent. If not, not biggie. I’m pretty sure I got the part.
-Ben Tumas, #34 Franklin High School Lions