Later on that night, an Amazonian cougar drunkenly swaggered over to me, showed me a dinner menu and asked me if I was on it.  She was about three inches taller than me and there was a decent chance I would find a dick under her skirt, so I politely walked away.  As she attempted to grab my ass a friend with slightly lower standards gently nudged his haunches in the path of her gorilla hands and let her feel his goods.  I watched in horror as he stuck his tongue down her throat and proceeded to lift up her shirt exposing her (prosthetic?) breasts.  This wasn’t a dive bar by the way, it was a high class restaurant on Main Street - the Vatican is presently in debates to determine if it was a miracle he wasn’t promptly removed from the establishment.
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This is starting to get awkward, I saw your nervous two-step.  Pitter patter pitter patter—this ain’t no tap dance.  Let it out buddy.  I’ve got a meeting to get to, just trying to loosen the burden before I spend twenty minutes talkin’ about our underserved Asian market.

What’d you eat last night, Taco Bell, TGI Fridays?  Yeah, you’re a Bloomin’ Onion kind of guy.  Listen pal, I’ve got an extra large four-dollar coffee, lotta cream, lotta sugar, under my belt and I just smoked my last Camel Light.  You ever stuff a turkey ‘til it busts?
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“I wish I were born Asian.” – Malcolm X

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Just to give you a brief rundown of what you’re about to watch, apparently Human Tetris is a game that’s hosted by a businessman and a milkmaid who have convinced a group of idiots to swathe themselves entirely in aluminum foil.  Then, a wall opens up, and giant sheets of Styrofoam move on a conveyor belt toward the aluminum-garbed retards.  Now here’s the fun part, on the Styrofoam sheets are cutouts of various, ridiculous shapes that the aluminum people must try to morph their bodies into.  If they can’t get their body to make the right shape, they’re pushed into what I can only assume is a pool of urine.

Take a gander:

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I heard that you guys are offering $250 for an outrageous “Hollywood” story, is that true?  If so, I’ve got one that’s really going to top the charts…

I moved to Hollywood from Ohio about three months after graduating high school.  I was the wide receiver on our High School’s football team (we were first in our division three years in a row, some may say thanks in part to a couple plays I made).  I was on top of the world - great friends, supportive parents, a job opportunity at Wellis & Jacobs Real Estate and last but not least my beautiful girlfriend Cindy.  I dropped them all because a stranger once told me I looked like a young Harrison Ford.

My High School Graduation Pic

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The original (almost as funny but unintentionally so) ad, after the jump.
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My Mother Fucking Mother

Labia, labia, get a scabia,
On the planet of tit fucking mania.
Penis in, and penis out
Tell Ben Franklin not to tout that Gout.
Asshole lickers, fruit pickers
Smother my car with bumper stickers.
Obama for President, Obama for Resident
Like black Jesus, Obama’s Heaven-sent!
Got no reasons, got no rhymes,
I’m too busy boning bitches in their hymens.

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Despite the 100-degree heat, these concerned citizens marched around the Reservoir in a uniform of skin tight black jeans, checkered Vans and ironic t-shirts for a full 10 minutes.  Sporting an asymmetrical haircut, lead organizer F.X. Randall voiced his concerns over rising rents in the area.  “Before, I could survive on what I was making just jammin’ out with my music,” he said.  “But now I have to put my time in, working for ‘the man’ at Coffee Bean.  I work, like, almost twenty hours a week!  In addition to my music!  And I’m still barely able to make ends meet.”  When Diego Juarez, his landlord, was questioned about Randall’s ability to pay rent, Mr. Juarez rolled his eyes and explained that he receives a wire transfer from Randall’s father’s checking account every month.

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